THE FOREVER BREAK IN MY HEART
Love is something perceived in many different ways. But I’m highly confident most will admit that love is a rush of adrenaline that leaves your palms sweaty and lips slightly parted wondering what you did to deserve the feeling of intense affection. I know that’s how I felt. He did that to me. But he also did something else to me, something quite unimaginable. Something that left me questioning everything rather than savoring the past. Countless nights passed as I laid in bed staring at the dark ceiling trying to remember the way he told me he loved me. I spent hours breaking down the last twenty minutes, and I continued to talk about him with everyone. It baffles me that someone so loved can walk out of a life so easily. As relationships progress, more problems occur. I find that the truly important people pick apart the problems and make them feel like simplistic hurdles. He did that. Until something changed. A snap in the relationship, unknown to me, brought everything crumbling to the ground. Oblivion. Such an under rated word in the realm of love. We see what we want. And the entire time I saw him as this figure of amazement. I placed him on a pedestal, one I enjoyed staring at. I put him first when necessary, and I thought I made him happy. But, here comes that word, I was oblivious. Maybe I choose to see only the good, but that’s the thing, it was good. I’m not going to lie, the shock of him leaving left many confused and dazed. But regardless of my obvious nature, I still adored him. Missing him is quite the struggle but I’ve learned to cope. I’ve learned to roll my eyes at the mention of his name while remaining civil and remembering him as the boy I fell madly in love with. I’ve learned to pity him rather than myself. In no way shape or form do I hate him. I wish I did. But I don’t. And that’s the thing about love, unless violence occurs, I consider hatred to be something unfelt by lovers turned to past lovers. In fact, I wish him nothing but the best. I wish him happiness, prosperity, and a clear vision of what happened between us. To me he was everything, and now he is nothing. Nothing as in never staring into his deep blue eyes again. Nothing as in never cheering him on with stars spinning around my head. Nothing as in watching from a distance. I hope one day he realizes my worth. I hope one day he finds his joy, and maybe he already has. But I sure as hell am searching for mine. Love is a crazy thing, but I would never take back the feelings I so poetically express. The point of this was to explain him. Explain the effects of him. Falling in love hurts, but it is the most beautiful pain I’ve ever felt. Therefore I suppose I should thank him. So… I thank him for allowing me to see what I deserve. I thank him for making me look at the other girl, comparing myself to her, crying about her, rationalizing the situation, only to figure out there should not have been another girl. I thank him for making our time together perfect, despite the lies. I thank him for letting me in but still maintaining a wall… For if he let me in entirely I don’t know if I’d be able to leave. I thank him for giving me the opportunity to find someone who truly loves me. And a final thank you, to the boy who broke my heart, for he empowered me to embrace the good in my life and dispose of my useless worries.